I went to a large community meeting this week and as sometimes happens, I entered the crowded room of people and did not see a single person that I knew.  I was standing still, scanning the room for some seconds when someone came up behind me.  This person that I had not yet really seen said: ” stick with me and we will find coffee.”.  It was such a poignant gesture, it turns out that it was a colleague I knew.  What I loved though was that he did not stop and say hello or try to make small talk and then move on to coffee or the rest of the room alone.  Whether he realized my scanning or not, he just saw me there and invited me into his space, instantly making me feeling centred and ready to launch into the crowded room and begin making connections.  We all have this power, not only to scan the crowded room for people we know, but also to make the room being scanned more welcoming.  Makes me reflect on the kind of inclusion we strive for, more than just a handshake or a wave.  Inclusion means that someone noticed a person on the side and draws them in.  That all people are moving around, belonging, contributing, able to connect as equals.  In the room on this day, I was inside the room, I was an invited guest and I knew that my role in this room was to listen and vote.  One could argue that I was included, however, my colleague took it to the next level.  I was present, but now connected, welcomed and drawn in to the room.  And from that drawing in I could launch into connecting with others, making introductions and seeking to understand and include others.  When in a crowded room,  be a connector, be a welcomer and if we all take that step in to move beyond the greeting and invite participation, very soon we will all feel seen, included and like we are where we belong.

As I left my home one morning this week a stranger stopped on the road and asked me to roll down my window, she wanted to warn me that the highway that I was heading to was glare ice. This was so thoughtful, she had just turned off the highway so was probably so relieved to be done the terrible trek, but took the time to stop and warn me, someone that she did not know, who was clearly heading to the road she had just turned off from. I love being reminded of this kind of kindness, the spontaneous gestures that have no planning, benefit or reward. The road was indeed very icy, and I still went on my way to work, despite the warning.  This left me thinking about both aspects of my story, a person tried to warn me about a hazard, probably hoping that I would avoid the road. However, I needed to get to work, and I had tires I trusted so I carried on. In a world where we have the opportunity to pass on advice or warnings to others, even strangers, we need to be at peace and feel good about taking the time and passing on the information. What the person does with that information or the possible outcome is not something we control or design, we need to be at peace with that too. We only know how we assess a situation through our lens, others see things differently all the time and might, take the road less salted and easy because it is right for them.

I went to a meeting and in part of the informal conversation a person talked about how King Charles is now on some of our Canadian coins. I was quick to say that I had no idea that this had begun and had certainly not seen any. The person speaking said that she was just looking in her coin purse and discovered one. I was fascinated; how can it be that I have not seen one yet. When I went home, I told my husband about it and then I went to the ceramic potato where we keep loose change. It did not take me long to find a coin with King Charles on it. I had at least one and never noticed. While I don’t think I would go all the way to envy, I did have a reaction to being told that something existed and then sure that I had not had one. Just made me think of all the times that we perceive that others have something extra or less challenges or more opportunities. We might feel jealous or cheated about something we perceive as shiny and different in someone else’s change purse. I think, if we look again or differently at what we have, much of the time we can find the very thing that we think is lacking in our own space. It is said that we focus on the attributes in others that we most want to work on in ourselves. If you see something that delights or that you wish you had, you probably already do, you simply must look inside your own potato or hiding place.

My brother Steve is well known for his temper, not in a volatile way, but in a short on patience with the whole world kind of way.  He was telling me about his awful night where his outdoor woodstove kept going out.  His exact words were: “I would have lit the whole thing on fire out of frustration except that was the very thing that was wrong.”  It reminded me of a story of my childhood when my dad lost his cool and inflicted hundreds of dollars of damage on a tractor when he could not repair something simple.  I think we all have these “burn it down” moments of frustration. When we suddenly get so bogged down in our problem that our reactions become out of step with the solution and in step with the emotions of the heightened frustration.  For Steve’s woodstove he established that he had tried to take a short cut on misshapen wood chunks, but as they burned, large gaps were created, stopping the wood from combusting.  Emotions, as they say are not all good or all bad.  There are lots of times where a good flash of anger uses up some energy that can then offer a calm to look at the issue a different way.  The challenge is to do what we need to for the problem solving, the burning it down, often sets us back further away from the solution or resolution, burning up our critical thinking. Causing a gap, and prolonging the dark night.

I had the chance a few weeks ago to hear a minister speak about a metaphor for our busy lives. He talked about a glass, that appeared empty but was in fact filled to the brim with air. So the analogy then was that the air represented all the things that we can’t see that clog up our weeks and days. Our worries, our doubts, our resentments, memories, trauma, hurts and happy emotions and thoughts also. That full to the brim idea that the glass represented, then turned to how we might empty the glass of air, how would we suck out the air, how could we force out the air, create a vacuum. He was quick to point out that all the strategies that remove the air would inevitably harm the glass through the depressurization. The glass was full of air, full of our anxious thoughts and constant emotions and it would appear his analogy was offering nothing to lessen the load. Then he offered that the simplest way to empty the glass of air, was to fill it with water. How simple the air no longer has the space it needs because this is replaced by the water. Then Reverend Jonathan Baird concluded, sometimes we get so focused on what we want to remove we start to destroy our moments and the days with the pressure of how to create a more balanced peaceful life. Just like the water in the glass analogy, a better tactic could be to focus on what we want our glass to be full of and pouring it in. Is it mindfulness, is it an important person, is it faith, is it peace. What can we add, top up and layer on that begins to push the anxious space holders up and out of the limited space of our minds and days and weeks. What do we want to hold the space for, what is it that will calm and nourish and how can we pour so much of that in, that there is almost no space for the rest? Grab a pitcher of peace and keep pouring.

I was having a conversation with a neighbour this week and he offered that I was a kin keeper. He explained that it was an Irish term that was about a person that kept their family connected and kept their family traditions alive. I loved the idea of giving what I feel like I do a name. When I looked it up, lots of references likened the kin keeper to the family glue, the tradition keeper, the person that writes letters, sends messages, and tells family stories. It reminded me of a joke I saw on the internet that read – I may not be the family glue, but I am the only one who knows where the glue is. Take a minute to think about who this is in your family. Who is the one that tells the old stories of grandparents or childhood, who sends the cards and keeps people connected. Who makes the traditional recipes and encourages the get togethers? And if you don’t have much family, who in your circle of friends is the glue? Once you have the person in mind, take a moment to appreciate all they do and turn it around to make sure that you are telling them a story of how much impact they have and how much they are appreciated. I think everyone has some role in keeping their kin, in a big and small ways we are all connected, we are all taking care, taking responsibility and celebrating each other’s wins and what we enjoy about one another. Sometimes we do not know how to help another person through a challenge, but we all know how to make a sandwich and make some time, keep your kin close and connected.

There are a lot of competing pressures for our time and attention.  And as I have said many times before we can easily get caught up in the glory of busy.  We ask each other how things are going and the quick answer many times is- so busy.  In fact, last week I mentioned to a friend that I was noticing the beauty of the morning frostiness on the trees reflecting in the sun and the response was – you have too much time on your hands.  So now we not only make busy glorious, but a hint of unbusy is now sometimes mocked.  What we know for sure though is that we were not wired to live this way, to hear of extreme tragedies in BC, to cheer on dozens of athletes on an app while working, to tackle hundreds of tasks while that app is on with work and then make our evening matter with more tasks and preparations, while listening to yet more information on a pod cast or TV.  We, they say, are actually wired to rest when the sun goes down, unwind by the fire, leave time in the day to just think, and be with people laughing and telling stories, creating our sense of the world and self in relation to others.  While I know that there is no going back to fires in the hearth and quiet uncomplicated evenings of rest.  Perhaps there are small things that we can start to change to make space.  What might happen if we tried for one or two weeks not to discuss how busy we are, but instead looked for something else, some kind of story that made a connection.  We need to slow the busy and ramp up the living and being, together.

This week I cannot help but notice that the days are getting longer and the sun is warmer and the days of the calendar march forward as they always do.  I am usually aware of when things are very busy because I almost unconsciously start to make day themed to do lists, even sometimes breaking tasks down into morning and afternoon.  Little by little it gets done and I get through a long list.  Equally I think about hard things and times that we all have to face, and we have to realize that there is no short cut or way to just go around, we must stack up the days and what each day brings and go through it.  One day at a time sounds like such a simple thing but in it is the reminder that while big challenges seem overwhelming there is no possible way for a whole week to gang up on us, no way for three days to suddenly jump us, whatever is going on, it happens one step at a time.  The simple mantra is also a powerful reminder to be present, notice what is right in front and in our control.  Check in with the present moment, yes the big challenge seems overwhelming but what about this present moment, can we set some hard things down for a while, can we feel safe a calm in this moment, can we take one small step toward the bigger task.  One definition of anxiety is too much focus on the future and what it holds.  When we focus on what each day holds, what we can reach and affect in that day, the days march on and soon we can see the impact of our actions and the difference we are making in the bigger problem.  Notice today, do the next thing, slay the big things.

I was reminded this week of one of my old sayings that I had not been using much recently- eat the frog.  I am not sure where I first heard it or why it made particular sense to me.  However, to me it is a phrase summing up the advice to do the thing that you have been putting off and probably doing a lot of other little easier things rather than it, for a long time.  I think we all do this, I know I have often had a huge project at the top of my to do list and will look at some easy wins first just to sort of get warmed up.  Eat the frog.  I guess I like the phrase too because there is nothing exciting or enticing about doing the big thing, its going to be a bit hard, a bit complicated and often perilous.  This expands well beyond to do lists at work .  We can put off personal frogs like hard conversations, resolution type wellness goals and reconnecting with friends that have grown distant.  While it’s a common experience to put off hard things I think it is an equally common feeling of accomplishment, relief, pride and resolve when we finally do the things.  I googled the phrase and it came up that it originated from Mark Twain- In his autobiography, Mark Twain says, “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.” I feel like Mark Twain is urging all of us to do the hard thing, and if its part of a list of hard things, do the hardest first.  Eat the frog, and then go on after that to do thing far more enjoyable that are more like eating the chocolate. 

This week marked the passing of a former staff of Community Living. Those of us that worked with her have shared memories together and mourn her passing. Marnie was a complex person that had such an adventuring life. Married to a diplomat in her first relationship, she was well travelled, she was an administrator of a school in Nunavut, she lived for years in the Northwest Territories and regaled us with stories of her life there. When I met her was living in Fenelon with her best friend and husband Greg and a constant wonderful group of dogs. Marnie worked at a community home, and her very presence was a calming, wise, centering and impactful. While her presence also usually meant that cold coffee and an English muffin with peanut butter long forgotten was also constantly present. Her laugh was infectious and she loved to make things fun. On a day where we decided as team to do a Julia Roberts movie fest, she arrived first thing in the morning dressed as Roberts in Pretty Woman. For me this week, I think all of us that knew her have realized the huge impact she had on our lives that perhaps we hadn’t realized while she was walking the earth with us. For me also, I reflect on this huge life that she had, that she travelled and took on the rugged living of the far north and through it all her focus never waivered from her family, community and much loved pets.  She had these extraordinary adventures, but when I met her, she was living a quiet life in a small community making a huge difference in her role and inspiring almost without meaning to.  Sometimes, I think we get awestruck by those that have high profile glamourous lives in exotic places.  However, as Marnie’s legacy will attest, inspiration comes in all forms and can certainly hail from a small life in a small community, where a person carves a path of connection.  Marnie made an impact, and an impression and leaves a whole bunch of us wishing we had told her. And so here is another reminder that we should just blurt out the awkward stuff when we think of it, tell people that they are great, tell them how they inspire you, take a minute to show how much we appreciate another. I know that we may think there is time or perhaps a special occasion where we can offer our admiration, lets make any old day that special occasion and say the things we want to say to those the inspire and lead from where they are.